One of the foundation stones of coaching is non-judgement - but what does that mean really?
This blog was prompted by me sitting drinking coffee in one of my favourite establishments - Costa Coffee. As a proud regular, I work on my laptop in one of the quieter areas of the café. I have noticed that a couple come in every day with a young baby. They sit there for a couple of hours just drinking coffee and their baby sits in his pram staring outwards. The adults with the child (I assume parents) are both scruffily dressed and quite loud/obnoxious in their dealings with the Costa staff.
I have found it hard over the last few years, to not judge what I see. EVERY time I see them, I notice that I have very judgemental thoughts about them. I can't help but wonder what sort of upbringing this small person is getting spending so many hours/days/weeks in Costa sat in his pram. Will the parents really be that proud if his first words are, 'Do you want chocolate sprinkles with that?'
Right or wrong. I have formed judgements about these people and the way that they live their life. I won't share them with them. I wonder if they rocked up to a coaching session, how would I cope with the data they present?! What right have I got to judge them when I know nothing of their circumstances, values or anything about them? And yet I do judge!
When sitting with someone 1-1, you are privy to lots of aspects of their life that they will not tell others. They may share things with you which challenge your own belief systems. It is important to recognise your own 'stuff' so that you are able to keep it out the coaching sessions. Your own 'hang ups' and views of the world are easy to leak into the session and contaminate what is going on.
For instance, if your client talks about making enough money to retire at 40 and doesn't know what to do with herself...You might think, 'You are SO lucky - what have you got to moan about?' This could make you less useful to them as you seeing their world through YOUR eyes. As a coach, we need to listen properly to see the world through THEIR eyes and help them to make decisions that suit where they are not where we think they should be.
So, it is normal to have the judgements in your head. But we always need to be mindful of what is 'our stuff' and make sure it does not contaminate the coaching work. We have to train ourselves not to let these judgements leak into our work. At the very least, if you are coaching others, you should also have a coach or supervisor to keep your own development moving forward.
Take care
Paul
'A train with no destination, never arrives' - I heard a public speaker once say.
As a coach, I am often pushing clients to set goals and then work towards them! Push, push, push...
This is all fine and dandy. I wondered if there is a danger of being so forward focussed, that we forget to notice the moments along the journey? As we steam towards the next promotion, the next big house, the next whatever... could we get so wrapped up in striving for the things we don't have rather than appreciating the moments along the way and the things we do have?!
I wish there was a way to do this consistently and appreciate the moments. It seems to be when the big things happen that we wish for the life we had yesterday...E.G. We lose a job ... someone we love dies... Maybe a bit morbid sorry. But it seems to take something dramatic to appreciate the now doesn't it?
- When I was younger, older people would say, 'Make the most of being young - appreciate it before it slips away...'
- When I had young kids and was knackered, my parents would say, 'Appreciate them while they are young, it goes so quickly.'
Unfortunately, it seems, these two statements appear to be good wisdom. Unfortunately, again, I think it is really hard to actively appreciate the now - don't you think?
So, if you know a good way to appreciate the journey as well as the destination, please let me know and I can tell my clients too!
Take care
Paul
There is a debate over the boundaries of coaching. What is okay to talk about in coaching and what is not. Also, there are different labels out there which suggest something different happens. All very confusing for the individual that wants coaching don't you think?
As far as I am concerned, coaching is coaching. You would always vary what you deliver depending on what someone wants to talk about.
For example, I have been asked to do executive coaching with a very senior MD type person. We ended up setting an action plan that he would pick his son up from school once a week. This may not sound like executive coaching but it was what this executive wanted from his coaching! Everything affects everything else. If this executive is feeling like one area of their life is rubbish, it can rub off onto other areas too. If they are not sleeping, exercising, eating right, planning their time, spending time with their kids, spending time relaxing, learning etc ... then, they are not being holistically effective. Therefore, ALL is the stuff of coaching.
It is easy to confuse ourselves. The industry of coaching, like anything else that involves humans, seems to delight itself in making things more complicated. I guess one of the reasons could be that the more complicated it seems, the higher the hourly rate!? Sorry if that is cynical...
Did you get the second look refers to a session that a client had once where we talked about them not feeling attractive any more. If a client wants to talk about that, then I will talk about that. I know that it is not counselling. I am always mindful of helping my clients to move forward and take action. This was no different.
Take care
Paul Tizzard
I am not the first to notice this. Managers have a massive impact upon others in the workplace. I wonder sometimes if the poorly skilled manager realises how much impact he or she has the staff they manage?
I have just finished coaching a client who has become totally de-skilled. This is an intelligent, competent and experienced individual. Slowly, bit by bit, their confidence has been eroded. Once the confidence goes, it is easy for any individual (no matter how robust) to get worse and worse. It is a vicious cycle. As the person starts to feel less confident, they make more mistakes or are hesitant making decisions. They end up seeking reassurance. The manager then feels justified not trusting them in the first place and 'monitors' them even more....
Before you know it, the individual has lost confidence and then their abilities. It can take a long time to repair this sort of damage.
If you are a manager reading this, and you don't believe me... Please have a look at Daniel Goleman's work on working with emotional intelligence. He found that we (humans) are very sensitive to this level of mistrust. You only need to do a presentation and be undermined/interrupted one time too many by your manager (or an 'expert' in the room) and you will become de-skilled. It takes a really strong presenter to cope with this.
Call to action:
It is not original but here is the adage again: Catch your staff doing things right. If you are going to criticise, do it gently and respectfully as each time you do it, you are taking a massive withdrawal from the goodwill bank account.
Take care
Paul
January is the time of year when a lot of people set new year's resolutions... I must go the gym ...I must lose weight... I am going to change my job. Nothing wrong with this of course. The problem with this sort of goal setting is that we don't tell anyone else. Not really. If we told a coach these sort of things, they would hold you to these pledges. Your coach would also help you to break these goals down a bit.
There is an expression, 'don't eat the elephant all at once' (although no-one really knows why anyone would want to eat an elephant in the first place.) But the elephant is a big thing ...just like 'change my job' is. Too big to contemplate and therefore, we can become overwhelmed and probably won't do anything about it - life is busy.
So, what can be done?
'Little and often' is the motto. What can I do today that will take no more than 10 minutes and will work towards the elephant of a goal? What can I do the next day that takes 10 minutes towards my goal. This way, after a week, you would have concentrated on your goal for over an hour. Doesn't sound much does it? But you are still an hour nearer to your goal. Plus, you will feel more engaged and inspired as you are taking lots of mini actions every day rather than just storing it all up. Or putting it off. Or even worse, just feeling bad about it all. After a month, you would have done about 5 hours of concentrated effort towards your goal. It may not sound like much but it is action. In my experience, once the little things have become a habit, you will tend to actually do more than you said.
If a coachee says that they are going to do 5 hours a day towards the such and such goal, I say no. That is because if it was possible, then they would be something towards it already. As coaches, we are mindful to help you succeed in lots of small ways to gain momentum. Then, you will do more and more naturally. We do not want to set you up to fail or feel bad.
So, what can you do today?
